NPS or the Need to Please Syndrome

by Denise Van Vilet

Taken from Embrace the BITCH Within



I’m the first to admit I have NPS. It’s a learned behavior. It's a deep seated learned and passed down behavior from mother to daughter. For some reason women suffer from NPS more so than the guys. However, from my own observation, I do know several gay men that suffer from this as well. We are looking for approval from outside ourselves.

I believe part of Embracing the BITCH, BITCH is an acronym for Being In Total Connection (with) Herself, is coming to terms with this. When we look to someone else to make us feel good or worthy or important or loved, we are actually giving our power away. “I will make you proud of me, and then I will be happy, then I will feel loved.”

Getting dressed for school one day, Mom shows her disapproval by saying, “What will the neighbors think if they see you wearing that?” I could be wearing something that makes me feel good in the moment and Mom is all worried about what the neighbors would think? I go and change to make Mom happy. I want her to love me. We all have experienced something like this right? We learn that this is how we love.
We learn conditional love by giving away our power away and making someone else happy. We make someone happy, we receive love. We make them disappointed with us, they withhold their love. As women we carry this behavior on in every aspect of our lives. We choose careers based on what others want. Our relationships are based on the idea that a man or our knight in shining armor comes and he is going to carry us away and we will live happily ever after. Our Knight will MAKE us happy. And if he doesn't make us happy, we withhold our love for him. Do we as women know how to love unconditionally? We are taught from a very early age ONLY conditional love. So how do we get over NPS?

One of the hardest things for a woman to do is love herself unconditionally. However this is the cure for NPS. We MUST love from the inside out. We are so brain washed that we must look, behave, and buy certain things in order for others to love us. But deep inside, from the hundreds of women I've talked to, more than 90% do not even know how to love themselves. They are not worthy of such love. With this kind of thinking leaves us in a 'victim' mentality. This is a highly powerless state! In order to take our power back and to learn to love unconditionally, we MUST start from the inside out.

This has nothing to do with our outer shell. Some of us might not like our hair, body type, size or what have you. This type of love goes much deeper than that. Meditation and quieting our mind and getting into our bodies is a start to finding that essence within to start loving who we REALLY are. We are not our thoughts. We are not our outer shell. We are not our hair color. We are not our body type or size. We are Yin energy. Are are an extension of Source. We are Spiritual Beings here for the physical experience. We are the creators of Humanity. We ARE love. When you feel that in your body, you will understand unconditional love. Then and only then will we understand how to love others unconditionally.